- I don’t care how cute it is. This outfit itches worse than poison ivy.
- Oh no! My pacifier has fallen right beside my face. I’ll never be able to reach it now. Help!
- Maybe if you stopped rubbing my head so much, you wouldn’t still be wondering why I’m bald. Also, it’s not going to bring you good luck.
- Move your head. I can’t see the ceiling fan.
- My nose is NOT a button. Please stop pushing it. Tell everyone.
- Somebody needs to brush their teeth and it’s not the one of us without teeth, except when Grammy is here.
- I don’t find it amusing to be covered ear to ear in baby food by an airplane buzzing my head. Somebody needs to tell the pilot to slow down.
- How would you like it if I called you chunky monkey? Thought so.
- Nobody makes you wear your seatbelt in a restaurant, so why am I still buckled in my car seat?
- Stop smiling at me. Can’t you see that I’m angry at you for laughing at how I keep dropping these damn plastic keys?
- Would somebody who didn’t have bladder control be able to warm themself up whenever they wanted? Didn’t think so. (10 seconds later) I didn’t expect the urine to get so cold so fast. Change me, now!
- You can’t blame me if I get sick because you haven’t washed this pacifier in three days.
- I feel like I should say, “pardon me.” But somehow that seems insufficient for having just spit up on your outfit and making you late for work.
- You do realize that I can’t understand you either, right?
- There’s a dryer sheet in these pajamas. Get it out! Get it out!
- Don’t take my diaper off now! No, no, no, no, no. Too late. I tried to warn you.
- If you make one mistake with those fingernail clippers, it better be the last finger because I’m going to slice you with what I have left.
- I’m crying because my baby monitor doesn’t have a screen so I can watch you too.
- If you sing another baby song one inch from my face again, you’re just begging me to sneeze in your mouth.
- Are you mocking my balance by hovering me over the floor as if I could walk? I won’t forget this when you are elderly.
