Toddlers hear you, but they aren’t very good listeners. In fact, sometimes they aren’t listening at all. Other times they hear you how they want to hear you. So to help you understand the selective hearing of a toddler, I’ve provided the toddler translation for 16 common phrases parents say to their kids:
Parent Says: “Only one.”
Toddler Hears: “You won. Take as many as you want.”
Parent Says: “Hurry! We’re going to be late!”
Toddler Hears: “Crawl under a table as fast as you can, take off your socks and wait until we are late!”
Parent Says: “Don’t throw your food.”
Toddler Hears: “Don’t waste your food by letting it sit there without knowing how far it can be tossed or whether it can stick to walls.”
Parent Says: “Do you want a Band-Aid?”
Toddler Hears: “Panic. It’s worse than you thought. Blood is everywhere.”
Parent Says: “Do you need to go potty?”
Toddler Hears: “You’re such a grownup, I bet you could go forever without going potty. Let’s find out.”
Parent Says: “Please be quiet.”
Toddler Hears: “Please scream so everyone in the restaurant stops talking and stares at us.”
Parent Says: “It’s time to clean up the house.”
Toddler Hears: “It’s time to clean out every container in the house by dumping every container out on the floor.”
Parent Says: “This is my food. Eat your own.”
Toddler Hears: “Consider everything on my plate your own. But don’t eat it all. Spit it out in my hand.”
Parent Says: “It’s too early to wake up. Go back to sleep.”
Toddler Hears: “Saturdays are too wonderful to wait until the sun rises to wake up. Keep jumping on my head so there’s no chance I go back to sleep.”
Parent Says: “Look here. Say cheese. Smile for the camera.”
Toddler Hears: “Look away! Look away! Turn around.”
Parent Says: “I can’t hold you right now.”
Toddler Hears: “I need a big hug to remind me how to hold you. Don’t let me talk you out of it.”
Parent Says: “…8,9,10. Ready or not, here I come.”
Toddler Hears: “Jump out of your hiding spot.”
Parent Says: “Mommy and Daddy are talking.”
Toddler Hears: “If you are part of this family, you need to join this conversation.”
Parent Says: “Sit in your chair.”
Toddler Hears: “Fall out of your chair.”
Parent Says: “It’s bedtime.”
Toddler Hears: “It’s finally time to start your to-do list, including redecorating your toy box, completing a time-sensitive and labor intensive drawing for Mommy and Daddy, reading every book in the house, taking multiple potty breaks for safety, eating just one more snack (several times), etc.”
Parent Says: “I love you.”
Toddler Hears: “You can do whatever you want.”
