Toddlers hear you, but they aren’t very good listeners. In fact, sometimes they aren’t listening at all. Other times they hear you how they want to hear you. So to help you understand the selective hearing of a toddler, I’ve provided the toddler translation for 16 common phrases parents say to their kids:

Parent Says: “Only one.”
Toddler Hears: “You won. Take as many as you want.”

Parent Says: “Hurry! We’re going to be late!”
Toddler Hears: “Crawl under a table as fast as you can, take off your socks and wait until we are late!”

Parent Says: “Don’t throw your food.”
Toddler Hears: “Don’t waste your food by letting it sit there without knowing how far it can be tossed or whether it can stick to walls.”

Parent Says: “Do you want a Band-Aid?”
Toddler Hears: “Panic. It’s worse than you thought. Blood is everywhere.”

Parent Says: “Do you need to go potty?”
Toddler Hears: “You’re such a grownup, I bet you could go forever without going potty. Let’s find out.”

Parent Says: “Please be quiet.”
Toddler Hears: “Please scream so everyone in the restaurant stops talking and stares at us.”

Parent Says: “It’s time to clean up the house.”
Toddler Hears: “It’s time to clean out every container in the house by dumping every container out on the floor.”

Parent Says: “This is my food. Eat your own.”
Toddler Hears: “Consider everything on my plate your own. But don’t eat it all. Spit it out in my hand.”

Parent Says: “It’s too early to wake up. Go back to sleep.”
Toddler Hears: “Saturdays are too wonderful to wait until the sun rises to wake up. Keep jumping on my head so there’s no chance I go back to sleep.”

Parent Says: “Look here. Say cheese. Smile for the camera.”
Toddler Hears: “Look away! Look away! Turn around.”

Parent Says: “I can’t hold you right now.”
Toddler Hears: “I need a big hug to remind me how to hold you. Don’t let me talk you out of it.”

Parent Says: “…8,9,10. Ready or not, here I come.”
Toddler Hears: “Jump out of your hiding spot.”

Parent Says: “Mommy and Daddy are talking.”
Toddler Hears: “If you are part of this family, you need to join this conversation.”

Parent Says: “Sit in your chair.”
Toddler Hears: “Fall out of your chair.”

Parent Says: “It’s bedtime.”
Toddler Hears: “It’s finally time to start your to-do list, including redecorating your toy box, completing a time-sensitive and labor intensive drawing for Mommy and Daddy, reading every book in the house, taking multiple potty breaks for safety, eating just one more snack (several times), etc.”

Parent Says: “I love you.”
Toddler Hears: “You can do whatever you want.”

 

 Parenthood is full of adventure, drama, mystery, horror, comedy and science-fiction, which makes it very well-suited for Hollywood. But for an audience to get the full impact of the parenthood saga, they really need to experience it in person, which means the saga is even better suited for Broadway.

Since you are probably too busy raising kids to see a musical about raising kids on Broadway, here are 20 features of a musical about parenthood that will help you imagine it:

1. There is no intermission because there are no breaks in parenthood.
2. The show is standing room only. (Sitting down is forbidden during parenthood.)
3. The audience can arrive at the show with friends but can’t have any communication with them. (By the end of the show, the audience will be unrecognizable to each other.)
4. The cast only includes children and stuffed animals.
5. The show is many years long, but at least one cast member is assigned to each audience member to keep them awake for the entirety of the show.
6. There is only one song, which is repeated endlessly without the words ever being sung or mumbled exactly the same way twice. (The melody is cheerful, but the audience is quickly haunted by it.)
7. Costume changes occur on stage throughout the show without any color or setting coordination. (The audience is expected to enthusiastically applaud when small children finish dressing themselves and sarcastically applaud when older children finally finish dressing themselves.)
8. The audience must entertain the cast and not vice versa.
9. Every cast member has their own monologue that takes the entirety of the show to deliver. (Everyone’s monologue is different, but the monologues are all related in some way to a snack.)
10. The kick line actually kicks the audience.
11. The orchestra primarily includes stick bangers, kazoo throwers and snack box shakers.
12. Cast members are always present during trips to the bathroom, which lacks stall walls for maximum visibility and room for assistance.
13. The audience is expected to act too. Their role is to pretend like they are in charge of the show, but everyone will know they are just acting.
14. The only permitted foods for the audience are leftovers from the hands of cast members.
15. Dance numbers are not chronological and always involve holding hands and spinning around until everyone falls down.
16. The audience must pay more money as the musical continues.
17. The set must be built by the audience on Christmas Eve after the cast falls asleep.
18. When the curtains close and the audience thinks the show is over, the curtains reopen and the show continues indefinitely.
19. The audience must clean the theater.
20. If there are any questions, a cast member is sure to ask it.

The next time your toddler’s behavior makes you want to give up on family dinners and just serve cereal all day, consider that the problem isn’t their lack of manners. It’s that they still only know the rules of toddler etiquette.

1. Arrive underdressed. – Let everyone know you aren’t an ordinary diner. Arrive at the table missing at least one piece of clothing such as a sock, shoe, shirt or, ideally, pants. If it is a formal meal, wear extra stickers.
2. Bring a guest. – A toy should be with you at the table. If necessary, hold the preferred toy hostage until your request for a plus-1 is granted. Your toy will understand.
3. Be patient. – Wait until seating assignments are settled before selecting another seat to take or lap to sit in.
4. Sit up straight. – You will know you are sitting up high enough when you are standing in your chair.
5. Always be the first to order. – Ordering food should begin long before dinnertime and continue until you are asleep in bed.

Read rules 6-25 on the Scary Mommy website where my post was originally featured by clicking here.